Sunday, January 17, 2010

Turnaround is Fair Play

Hey. This is Ryan. When I got home from church at noon today, I had the unique opportunity to lay in bed and laugh with my wife. "What?" you're asking. "You don't talk with your wife in bed about everything and love each other and blah, blah, blah?"

No. I sleep in my bed and I have a job that drains every ounce of energy out of me, four children that apparently require every milisecond of every hour of every day, a Facebook addiction and a yearbook deadline that will, I'm sure, be responsible for my early death and so I'm exhausted by the time we decide to plop into bed and pass out for about four hours before Clark starts screaming, "me need boob."

Anyway, this conversation that we had reminded me why I fell in love with her. She's funny and thinks I'm hilarious -- which probably was the real draw, if I'm honest. She laughs at what I say and it makes me feel good.

We started talking about our children and their ... um ... quirks. Is that a nice way to say it? Basically, we were trashing on our kids and what bugged us most about them.

We have four wonderful children whom we love and support and all that mushy parent stuff but let's face it. We have lived in an 800-square-foot house for almost three years (and other tiny domiciles for most of our 10 years together). We know each other. Real well. And because of our one bathroom with a door that doesn't quite shut, everyone has a little too much knowledge. Do other parents have to teach their children to shut the door to pee? Or is that just something we have to do because of our familiar comfort zone and close quarters?

So, do you wanna hear what we were saying? You know you do. Here goes: Ally is drama. All the time. When she's not crying (we're talking literal tears) about some injustice done ("I forgot my spelling words and I'm gonna fail. FAIL! Do you HEAR ME?! FAIL!"), she's butting into everyone's business and mothering them to death.

Emma is a space cadet. She willfully ignores us and when we tell her for the THOUSANDTH time to please pick her coat off of the floor, she continues to stare at her dolls and mumble some curse, I'm sure, on either Lish or me. She is a pig which bugs the crap out of Ally because they will spend all day screaming at each other and "cleaning" their room and two hours later, Emma will have rediscovered all her toys and destroyed it once again.

Luke is defiant and automatically answers "no" to any and all requests. When he doesn't want to take out the trash, pick up his toys or change his clothes, he rolls on the floor and whines like he has kidney stones until Lisha finally uses the "I'll-tell-Dad" threat. And he pees his pants when he's playing Nintendo which results in being grounded for weeks. Which also makes him whine.

Clark, as mentioned before, is still nursing. This causes all kinds of problems like causing Lish to cry out in pain as he chews on her nipples or waking up to get some milk at 4 a.m. He's also taken to hitting Lish when he's frustrated but runs around the corner and hits the first person he sees when I tell him "no."

As we discussed these character flaws and the fact we desperately need a new, larger house, we suddenly sobered as it dawned on both of us that we are reaping what we sowed. In other words, we were the same punks to our parents that our kids are to us. And now our parents were having revenge and probably sitting back giggling with satisfied laughter at the same stuff that drove them crazy.

"I can't wait until they have kids," Lish said after we had told each other our kiddy quirks. "I am going to invite them over, sugar them up with pop and candy, then you'll shake them up until, when we send them home to their parents, they explode all over the place. Then, we'll laugh and laugh and scream, 'YOU DESERVE IT!' Right. In. Their. Faces."

"It is how God intended it, after all," I concurred.

How about you? We know you love your kids, but are you waiting for that day when you can smugly look into their eyes and say, "You were the exact same way. Suffer!"? You know you are.


Darci said...

Amen Brother!! Remember when I "not-dated" Paul before I was of legal age? WELL....Roxie has a couple of boys she is "just friends" with....Both are 17! She is not 16 till July. Luckily, they both live out of town. Our parents never had to deal with personal cell phones and text!

meand4boyz said...

Get that kid off the boob Lish, you are CRAZY!! Cael has been sleeping 12 hours since 8 months and stopped nursing at 9. Get your life back :)

Brenda said...

I'm one who secretly wishes my kids have little angels (read: brats). ugh. Most days I am just fine with it, but some days-- oh heaven help me!

Matt said...

I'm glad to hear that it is probably being the 2nd child that makes you a pig. Jake thinks it is hillarious to not wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom and bug Sam with his "germs". Sam FREAKS OUT! Tears, yelling, everything if Jake doesn't wash his hands with soap for 20 seconds. And, Jake, ignores everything I say.

Love you both!

Sandi said...

Great post, I laughed so hard. Lately my daughter has been so stubborn, and I've been wondering, Where did THAT come from? Because I don't get that intense about anything, and it is hard to hold out and be the parent because I just DON'T CARE. But then my mom and sister gleefully reminded me that I WAS really stubborn--not when I wanted something, but--when I thought I was right. Full of self-righteous indignation I would sacrifice my future hope of happiness and freedom for any cause I felt worthy. Like, when it was my turn to have the dog sleep in my room, and someone else THOUGHT it was their turn but it was REALLY MY TURN! So I would refuse to budge because I knew I was right, and in the end I'd get in all kinds of trouble. I am cursed with raising myself. What joy it brings to my mother in her old age.

Maren said...

I don't have kids yet. I KNOW they'll be like this. I know I'll hate things they do, to me, my future husband, and to each other. I know I'll be so mad and frustrated till I'm hauled away for child abuse (I wouldn't let it get that far though... in my head though, sure!)

BUT Those four little rapscallions bring you both SO MUCH JOY, and THAT'S the part I can't wait for. I envy everything you guys have. Even the lil' house, because its yours. You have quite the life. :)

amy said...

Yes, by golly you better believe it! Yes, yes, yes!

Beaker said...

A truer blog could never be written! My oldest boy is EXACTLY like me! We butt heads a lot, as you could imagine! But I also feel sorry for him 'cause he doesn't get away with much! I tell him 'been there done that!'

Shanakin Skywalker said...

Well, first of all, could you quit saying "boob." It really freaks me out. It's okay when you're wife says it, but kinda gross when you do. Then since you asked what is bugging me about my kids, I have this 12 yr boy (his name's Ryan, remember?! You met him when he was a baby.) that is as tall as me, complete with acne and B.O. but has the mentality of a 7 yr old. I have to tell him to zip his pants or they would never be zipped, comb his hair for him, wipe his face, you get the picture. BUT, he's smarter than me. He knows how to do math that I don't know how to do, and sounds like a walking encyclopedia. It is really freaky. So he will either grow out of the gross phase of puberty and be AWESOME, or not and... just be extremely geeky.

hansryan said...

Hey Quinn,
Quit yer BOOBin'! So it's OK for me to say nipple? Que legal.

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