Thursday, November 19, 2009

I'm torn...

As you know, loyal reader, I have neglected the blog as of late in exchange for a job at the OG. I took the job as a way to 1) make some extra money this summer, 2) take the burden of a summer job off Ryan and 3) help pay for those "extra" things that come up that we never seem to have enough for. Here it is the middle of November, the holidays are around the corner and my summer job is still in full swing. It has served its purpose well. So well in fact that the "debt free" light is brighter than it has ever been.

PRO: It makes me excited about being able to finally buy a home of our own!
CON: I am missing out on being home with my kids at night.

PRO: I have co-workers that don't talk about kids, little pets, or what they are coloring in school.
CON: I have missed out on a few dance performances, ward parties, etc. that are normally "family outings."

I could go on and on about the things I have missed in exchange for having things we have missed out on. Mostly I am doing it to help pay bills. I keep telling myself that, but now we are used to the income so when the day comes that I really don't need the job, will I have the strength to quit? I think I feel bad because I don't feel like I am using the skills I have. I feel like I could be making a lot more money if I were to go after a job I trained for, but I don't want to work that much.

Here is the newest though... the kids and I now have health insurance through my job since Ryan's is super expensive and more than we can afford. So does that mean I just signed on for another full year? I am trying to process all of this without feeling bad about being away from home.

Why do we as mothers feel guilty for leaving our children with our husbands? He does a great job of raising our kids, probably better than me at times. It's not like I am paying a babysitter to raise my kids. I keep all the money I make without paying a daycare. The kids have quality time with just Dad, which is super important to their development and sence of self worth. I almost missed Clarks first steps though. He is talking so much lately that I am worried about missing important first words too. So should I feel worse than I do? Or is it ok for me to get rid of the guilty feelings I have?

Do you work outside the home? How does it work for you? How have your children adjusted to mom being gone? How do you make time to feel like a mom and not just someone who pops in and out of their life occasionally?


Brenda said...

My work outside the home is school. I have really worked hard to schedule it so my husband or I are home when the kids are. I thought this worked out wonderfully - dun, dun, dun - until my 11-year-old informed me that all I did while I was here was school work and was on the computer.
Yes, I plan to work 35 hrs a week when I am done with school. Fortunately I can set my own schedule and my kids will not have to attend any type of child care.
This was not so easy when my kids were not in school full time (and they are the reason I quit my job and went back to school in the first place).
I guess what I am trying to say is - parenting is hard. There are always sacrifices we make to be the best parent we can be. I think it is important to remember that we have our kid's best interest in mind and to trust that we have made a good decision despite those moments of questioning.
As a side note - I think I am a better mom because I am not home all the time and I have other sources of interaction.
However, I do commend those that are able to stay home full-time and remain sane :) Cause I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do the same...

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