Today is my Birthday Shout Hooray!

CLARK IS ONE!

I can't believe it either.

I am a tad bit sad about no longer having a tiny baby around, but a little excited that my family feels complete. It is hard to know for sure but we think we are done. So today on the day after my babys FIRST birthday, I reflect on a few LASTS.

I have been pregnant for the LAST time. I had simple pregnancies and never got sick. I know you hate me right now, that is why I don't talk much about it. Labor is a breeze for me too. I think Ally was my longest at just over 4 hours. Please control the urge to want to spit on me.

I have bought my LAST baby Beecee. (In our family that is what the favorite blanket is called.)

Never again will I bring a tiny baby home from the hospital with me.

I have had my LAST days of having a baby who stays put and does not trash my house.

I no longer need to haul around a baby car seat everywhere I go--sometimes I still do, but I don't need too.

I have purchased my LAST baby bottle. I never use them much but I don't need them at all anymore.

I no longer need to refer to my children's ages in months. "He is 1". *sigh*

I fear I have had my LAST snuggle bug sleep on my chest. I think I will miss this one most. When they are so little and all balled up like a little pill bug...so sweet.

I have had my LAST monthly blog update on his growth progress. I could technically still do it, but they kind of slow down on the growth and don't change as dramatically.

I love my baby boy and he will always be MY baby even though he won't be a small baby for very much longer.

On to the walking, talking, etc...

Insomniac Insight

Hey. This is Ryan. It's 3:50 a.m. on the second day of class and I can't sleep. Rather, I fell asleep at about 9:30 p.m. and woke up with a thousand thoughts racing through my mind. I need to express them in order to process them, so you, dear readers, will now get to hear me babble. And maybe, just maybe, you can help me make sense of what is going on in my mind.

I read my mother's journal yesterday. It was a "Miss-My-Mama" Sunday. I did not read all of it, but highlights. For those of you who know me well, know I lost my mother when I was 14 years old to lupus. Well, that's what the doctors told us but I think there was something else wrong, too. Especially after reading yesterday. A lot of things have made me wonder why it affected me so much ... well, besides the obvious "She's your mom, dummy!" My mother loved me and my brothers. At least, that's what is recorded in her journal. Her world revolved around my three brothers and I but mostly my father.

As I read, I realized the profound love my mom had for my dad. It started from the age of 12. I naturally reflected on my own marriage and relationship with my children. I realized that in three more years, I will be the same age as Mom when she died. It kind of hit me hard. In my nine-year marriage, have I loved my wife and children as deeply as my mother loved us in the same amount of time? I know it's not healthy to compare yourself to others, but we Hansens are a competitive lot. We want to be the best all the time and then rub your face in it. Some call us cocky; I choose to label it as, "confidence."

Anyway, certain things really stood out. First, we all struggle with raising our children. However, I've been criticized for my unrealistic - nay, perfectionistic - expectations I have for my kids. I know where I get it from now. My mom wanted the best for us. She enrolled us in clogging, piano, wrestling, baseball, football, band and other activities so that we had a variety of talents. She says January 6, 1985, (about four years to the day before she died), "I guess I need to conclude by writing my love for my children. It seems that I often criticize when in my heart I recognize their effort and their ability to try so hard. It's easy to demand performance from them. It probably appears to them that I want perfection at all times - causing them sometimes to get discouraged. But what it really is, is my desire for them to do their very best. I want them to feel self-confident and assured that they can do anything! I know their potential and it is great."

That about sums up my feelings for my kids. So, here's the question: How do you encourage your kids to live to their potential? And is my idea of what their potential is realistic? I feel like my mom taught me so many things in the short 14 years I had her. She wrote this in the same paragraph (which makes me get a little emotional): "Ryan tries so hard to please us as parents. ... His personality is very loving. He can often be obnoxious - but I don't think he understands that. I just try to teach him what it means to be a friend - not to worry about what friends can do for you, but what you can do for them. ... I love Ryan so much. I want him to be happy and know what an important person he is. Since the time he was a little boy, he had been so thoughtful and creative on special occasions and holidays. He leaves little notes that say, 'I love you.' I am so thankful to have a son like him."

I loved my mother because she loved me. I need to focus on my children's strengths and not their weaknesses. I need to seek to understand before I chastise. My children will know how much I love them and, in turn, love others based on my example. I guess it's late (or early), so my thinking is going a million miles an hour.

The other thing I have swirling in my brain right now is the news I received today that a dear friend's husband has left her and her children. It made my heart ache. I am so worried about it right now and I hope she is OK. She is a wonderful, amazing person who does not deserve to be treated this way. (Not that anyone would ever deserve it.) I want to punch her husband in the face. Our mutual friend asked, "Hansen, why are men the way they are if Heavenly Father wants them to be husbands and fathers? I mean, why would the natural man be so damned selfish if the whole plan for them is to devote themselves to families? What's up with that?"

My answer is that we forget. Mankind forgets. If there is one thing I've pulled out of the scriptures, history, my own life, etc., is that Man forgets his/her divinity. It is our challenge to remember where we came from and our "potential." There are so many eternal parallels we can make to our mortal lives. Just as my mother saw infinite potential in her four boys and husband, our Heavenly Father sees the same. We just forget. When I'm at school and surrounded by worldly things, I forget who I am. When my children are screaming at each other or the house is a mess, I forget who I am and react in a way that just reinforces their violence. My friend's husband has forgotten. He has forgotten who he is and what role he plays in the eternal plan of life. He has forgotten his potential. Unfortunately, there is a very steep price. He will answer for what he's done to the most sacred of our Father's creations - families. How I wish this wouldn't hurt my friend so much! But, I know it does and I hope she knows how much people love her and support her and are praying for her and her little family.

I'll end on this. I have not forgotten how much I love my wife. She is my everything. As I layed down on the couch after a looooong day at school, I pulled her near me and said, "I'm so glad I found you." I meant it. We compliment each other so well. She is beautiful inside and out. I hope I live up to my potential with her. She is fun, thoughtful, spiritual, loving, patient, ... I could go on. She's "practically perfect in every way."

My mother's writings have taught me to worship the ground my wife walks on. I told her the other day when we realized we needed to pay a bill and we wouldn't have the money for something she wanted that I was sorry. I'm sorry I don't make enough to provide her with the things she needs, let alone wants. But, this summer I've tried to give her other gifts. The house was usually clean and tidy when she got home from work. The kids were relatively behaved. When she wanted to go somewhere as a family, I dropped what I was doing to be with her. I hope she noticed.

I'll close with this thought: One day, early in our marriage, Lish wanted me to go with her somewhere (I don't remember where). I objected and threw a little fit because I was the husband and I didn't need to do whatever girly thing she wanted me to do. My mother-in-law is so great! She pulled me aside and said, "Sometimes, when we love someone, we do things we don't want to do just because we know it will make them happy."

I've never forgotten that. I am so glad she gave me that advice because I've lived by it. I hope Lish knows I'll go wherever she wants because I love her. I want to make her happy.

Phew! I got all that off my chest. Maybe now (at 5 a.m.) I can get a couple of hours of sleep before running off to school. I hope this post inspires you to ponder what is important in life - our commitment to our loved ones. Tell someone you love them today. Write a note and stash it somewhere where they will find it. This is my love note for my everything. I love you, Lish.

It's the most wonderful time of the year ...

Hey. This is Ryan. Have you seen that Staples commercial with the dad zipping around on the shopping cart while his children trudge behind in realization that school will be starting? I am a combination of the dad and the children. While I enjoyed my summer, I'm anxious to get back to work. Paying work. Because being a mom is work. Don't let anybody tell you differently!

I'm of mixed emotions because I won't be around Clark full-time anymore. Like Lish said, the kids have definitely grown this summer and it's been fun to witness it. Clark and I are pretty tight, I guess. Last night, even though Lish was home, he laid on my chest and fell asleep while we watched a movie. I know I can still have that, but he's dependent on me a little more. I guess I'll have to hug him right when I get home.

I've also enjoyed being around the older kids. Darn right I let Ally babysit for short bursts of time and about once a week. Clark was asleep, Luke was playing Wii, so I figured she could handle it. She did really well. We're starting to see her as a more mature child. I think she knows we trust her more and responds to that in a positive manner. (Plus, our neighbor two houses down checks in every once in a while, so she's not completely alone.)

Emma has learned to do so much left-handed. It's been good for her. She's done things without Ally's approval, too. Her independence has doubled this summer.

And Luke is an athlete. His soccer practice yesterday amazed me as well as the coaches. He did not stop running the length of the field and made two "scores." As we walked back to the car, he said, "Dad, I only made two scores. I'm pretty bad at soccer, I guess."

I had to tell him that two scores in soccer was great! Sometimes teams never made one score.

So, for the other part of my mixed emotions ... while I am sad I won't be as near to my children as the summer, the other part of me welcomes the escape. When it came time for me to leave, I think I shouted, "Byeeee," as I skipped down the sidewalk to the car. I dragged a little on the return trip from school after nearly eight hours of meetings. It was good seeing the kids after talking about the kids at high school and all their special needs.

Well, dear readers, I'll check in occasionally. I always have a story or two from my school day, so look forward to that. I also have many mission stories to tell you now that I've recovered my journal.

Have a great fall.

Hey I am back

Hi. It's Lisha. Ryan went to his first "official" day of school today so I am back to being mom. Technically I guess I never stopped being the mom, but I guess now I will be in the house in that capacity during the day rather than Ryan so the role switch has gone back to "normal". I have a flood of mixed feelings about school starting/summer coming to an end. I thought I would share a few of my thoughts with you in no particular order. Pardon the randomness.

Being a mom and working full time is hard. I admire those of you who do it. I don't think I could do it all the time. I am tired just thinking about it. My schedule was a bit random that is for sure, but I was working 35-40 hours a week and only had one or two days off at a time so I think I kind of got the gist of what it would be like. I felt so disconnected from my family. One big realization came last night when I sat down to feed Clark dinner and realized I didn't know what he could and could not eat at this point in his life. I know he can digest most anything now that he is almost a year old, but he only has a couple teeth and I didn't know how easy it was for him to chew or even if he could yet. That was eye opening to me. I have not been around to watch the past few months of him growing up. Now he is turning 1 in less than a week and I missed a lot.

On that same note, my other kids have "grown up" in my absence as well. Did you know that Ry may or may not have left Ally to babysit once or twice while he ran an errand or two? Me either. The thought makes me a little scared, but she is getting older and becoming a lot more responsible. I am sure I did the same thing when I was her age, but we lived in the country.

Emma's cast is starting to smell. Thank goodness she onlly has to wear it 2 more days. We have been prepping her by letting her know that her arm is going to look like a snake when it comes off so don't freak out. Which of course she is.

Luke grew like 3 inches. All his pants are floods. His hair is some crazy walmart version of a hair cut so he looks like an orphan these days. We hit the Old Navy $10 sale but I think he still needs a few more pair. Oh and he is not allowed to wear them before school starts so he still looks neglected for another week. We did get some hand me downs from Langton which is always nice, but no pants.

The kids all have specific jobs now and are earning money for keeping up with their work $5 a week. We went to Claire's yesterday so Ally could buy new school earrings. She spent $23 and still has money in her wallet. Emma bought some sticker earrings. Luke is saving his money for Lego Indiana Jones 2 for the Wii when it comes out.

I have never looked forward to staying home with my kids more than I have this week. It feels like there is always something to go do though, so being home for a day has yet to happen. And if you know me at all you know that is something I usually would not say.

I got my hair cut yesterday. It is shorter than I have ever had it. Well since I have been an adult anyway. I like it. I think. I will let you know when I wash it and have to actually do it. I am lazy about doing my hair. But after a summer of pony tails I am tired of always wearing it up. I know you never thought you would hear that from me!

I am not ready for everything to come. Luke started soccer last night which officially makes me a soccer mom. Not sure how I feel about that one. Tonight is dance registration for IDS. We are doing a show again this year and I am always the "in charge" person for those. Not to mention that Emma will be competing this year as well. I will still be working at the OG a few nights a week. Super Saturday is fast approaching and I am in charge. The fair is in less than 2 weeks and I get to make the schedule this year. I think my unusually small mouth is a little full right now. Try not to make fun of it. My sisters do.

Insects Suck

Hey. This is Ryan. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am not a fan of insects. I hate them. I don't touch them. They are gross.

And I'm from Arizona! The desert part of Arizona. That means I grew up with cockroaches, tarantulas, scorpions, vinegaroons, crickets and other creepy crawlies invading our home. But we did not have earwigs. I hate earwigs, did I mention that?

Our camping trip/Smith Family Reunion was great, except for the hundreds of uninvited guests that invaded our family's tent. Luckily, our tent was pretty bug-proof. But, they were everywhere. Worse was my poor inlaws. They had two tents and in the morning, were full of earwigs. It was gross. I've referenced "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" before, but this was like that. (I had/have nightmares because of that movie. I still love it, though.)

The camping trip was filled with lots of screaming. The little girls screamed a lot, but most of it was from me. The family thinks my phobia is hilarious, so they like to exacerbate the situation most times. I jumped several times because I had the heeby-jeebies, which led to fits of laughter from the on-lookers. We are still fishing dead earwigs out of the washer. Gross.

I have many bug stories, but here are three that come to mind. Judge my neurosis for yourself:

Story 1: This happened when we lived on Kansas Settlement Road in Willcox, Arizona. We were about 15 miles from town on the edge of a bird sanctuary/desert. We had lots of bugs. I was "tramping on the tramp" (that's what Luke calls it) for a bit and I put my watch in the planter on the porch to keep it safe. It was a fancy calculator watch and I wanted to take care of it. I also took off my glasses, which makes me about as useful as Velma Dinkley on Scooby Doo when she loses her glasses. When I decided to go back inside, I went to put on my watch and my glasses, in that order. I reached into the planter and pulled out what I thought was my watch. It was black and hard all right, but it moved in my hands. I screamed and threw a large vinegaroon to the ground. Nightmares, I tell ya! Nightmares.

Story 2: On my mission in Brazil, I met many tropical jungle bugs. The worst were the flying/hissing cockroaches. I hate cockroaches. I hate gigantic cockroaches worse. And the cockroaches in Brazil scream or hiss or something. Terrifying. I woke up twice staring a cockroach in the face while it was perched on my face. I have nightmares of cockroaches laying eggs in my ears. My companion thought my fear was funny, too, because he tossed one of the bugs at me one time. Not knowing it had wings, he threw it to watch me scream in horror only to watch it spread its wings and land on my mouth. I punched him in the face and went to bed.

Story 3: We went to Hawaii with Lisha's family. We were all in the living room in this beautiful beach house when a cockroach scampered by. I jumped up and backed against the wall as it came towards me. My brother-in-law caught it and cupped his hands around it. He made a move toward me and I bolted out the door onto the front lawn. They still laugh that they have never seen me move so fast.

Hey Lisha here to amend the story...he forgot to add that he SCREAMED like a girl as he was running fast out the door. I know because the "boys" all scream at him and laugh their heads off whenever they talk about it...trust me, it comes up a lot.

Yup. I hate bugs. We all have our phobias, so don't laugh at mine. I want to know: What is your relationship with insects? Do you have a bug story? Gross me out. I dare ya.

Michael Jackson is tearing our family apart

Hey. This is Ryan. The King of Pop may have passed on from this world, but he is alive and well at our house. And it's causing rifts the size of the Grand Canyon between my children and me.

On the day Michael Jackson died, we were on our way to the zoo. We love the zoo - especially because we bought a year pass and so it offers something "free" to do in the summer. It gives me some time of silence while the kids are entertained for two minutes. Nothing is better than spending a hot day, walking around and smelling heated animal waste, but it's something to do. I don't even have to chase them out of the goat pens anymore.

So, we were on the way to the zoo and we heard on the radio station that Jacko was in the hospital. "Daddy, Michael Jackson is in the hospital!" Ally said, alarmed.

"Good!" I replied sarcastically. "I hope he dies."

Watching Ally's face fall a little in the rearview mirror made me wish I hadn't said that. "Why do you hope he dies, Daddy?" she asked. Her voice was a mixture of concern and wonder that made my heart sink a little. Plus, don't forget the fact that he actually did die later on that day! I felt horrible.

"Look, I don't hope he dies," I said. I wondered why I had said that. I actually liked Michael Jackson in the 80's. I really liked his music, at least. It wasn't fair that I had judged and sentenced him based on what the media had "reported" in recent years. I mean, we don't really know any confirmed truths about the guy. We will one day, but I try to make it a point not to wish death on anyone.

I tried to dig myself out of the hole I had gotten myself into as my daughter met my eyes in the mirror. "You don't even know who Michael Jackson is," I shot at her, hoping this would deflect any more questions.

"Uh, duh. He sings, 'Thriller,'" she answered. Damn that "13 Going on 30" movie. That's the only reason she knew about "Thriller."

"OK, you know that one, but do you know 'Beat It' or 'Black or White' or 'Billie Jean'?" Whap. I stumped her.

"You could show us on iTunes when we get home," she said.

"OK, we'll do that when we get home," I said, hoping the zoo would make her forget about Michael Jackson.

It didn't. When we got home, our neighbor - he's from California and talks like a gangster even though he's white as paper - was blaring Michael Jackson music out his front door. "Let me guess," I said as I caught his eye. "Michael Jackson died, didn't he?"

He actually choked on his words and I had to turn away to hide my smile like the insensitive jerk I am. "Yes, the King of Pop is dead. He's in heaven now, doing the Moonwalk."

Seriously? Ally dragged me inside to look for more Michael music. We listened to 30-second clips and that seemed to satisfy her. She went out to play with the neighbor's twin boys. Apparently though, it turned out to be a "Discover-Michael-Jackson" play date. She came by several minutes later with a compilation CD and asked if she could rip it on iTunes. I said yes and we rigged an homage to the King with "Billie Jean," "Black or White," "ABC," and of course, "Thriller."

In the following weeks, Ally has become quite proficient in searching YouTube for clips and videos as well as singing snippets of songs (usually it's "Hey pretty baby with the high heels on ..." and that's it. She never finishes it). Which leads me to how it is tearing the family apart.

One night, as Ally searched for different videos, I told her to watch "Thriller," which led Lisha to throw her body over the keyboard like she was taking a bullet for the president. "That will scare the crap outta them!" she yelled. I think that scared them more than "Thriller" would have.


So I told Ally to watch different things, but she was already running out the door to play with friends. She was actually running to another neighbor's house, we found out later, to watch the banned "Thriller." Emma went with her, too.

They came back a little while later, singing, "Thriiill-er, Thriller now ..." and reporting that they loved the music video. Lish was already at work, so I couldn't gloat. But when she got home, I told her the kids had seen every Michael Jackson - even "Thriller" - and they loved them.

The next day, we went to Hastings and found the DVD of his greatest video hits. I was tired of waiting for the videos to load on YouTube and having to respond to, "Why is it so slooooow?" Ally was ecstatic. Now it's an argument almost every day about what video is the best. For the record, Luke loves "Black or White" while Emma's favorite is "Do You Remember." Ally sticks with "Thriller" most days, upon which everyone starts yelling that they have changed their minds and "Thriller" is their favorite - because you can't share a favorite video apparently.

Just one more Michael Jackson-related item that made Lisha and I almost die laughing: While the kids were talking with their neighbor friends on the trampoline, they were discussing which video they liked. Again, they all staked claims in their various videos. But the neighbor girl said, "My favorite is 'Dirty Diana.'" We had to stifle our laughter so she wouldn't be too embarrased. Really? "Dirty Diana?" Who likes that song? I guess our dirty little neighbor.

One more thing: my girls think that Michael Jackson is "cute." Emma constantly tells me that she thinks he is, "So cute, Dad. The Black Michael Jackson, though," she is quick to add. "Not the White Michael Jackson. Ally likes the medium White Michael Jackson."

Here's your chance to declare your remorse and love for the deceased King of Pop. Tell us your favorite video and why, as well. My favorite MJ song is a tie between "Man in the Mirror" and "Black or White." I'm including some YouTube links for nostalgic reasons. Hoo!

This is the official Michael Jackson YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/michaeljackson?blend=1&ob=4

You can access most of his videos here, if not all.

Clark is 11 months old!

Hey. This is Ryan. Oh, our little Clarkus! We love him so much. The poor kid endures being poked, prodded, dressed up, wiped, rolled around like a Roly Poly - and that's just by Lish and I. Imagine what the kids do.

Here is a Top 11 Things I love about Clark:

11. I love the way he eats the scraps from under the table. Less sweeping and feeding. Two birds, one stone.

10. I love that he's in "Discovery Mode." His motto: "Leave no trash can unturned."

9. I love his reaction when he sees his brother and sisters. He gets all bouncy and starts grunting.

8. I love the way he talks. He grunts primarily. For example, he sees "Aaah, aaah, oooooh" for "peek a boo" and chimpanzee shrieks when he's hungry.

7. I love his overconfidence in his ability to chew. He doesn't really chew and his two snaggle teet are primarily used for ripping and tearing. I do the "finger sweep" about five times a day.

6. I love every person's reaction when they see him: "He looks just like his Daddy. Except with more hair." I can't tell if they're insulting him or me.

5. I love the way he says, "Dadada" when he's happy and "Mommah" when he's upset.

4. I love how fast he crawls. The kid is a speed demon on four legs.

3. I love his name. Yes, it is for Clark Kent. Let's just admit it. And Luke is named after Luke Skywalker. Get over it. But when my kids are in the news for saving lives and defeating evil warlords, you'll say, "Luke and Clark? Aptly named, aptly named."

2. I love his ability to clear a room with his "Diaper Alert System." Trust me, that kid lets you know when he needs a changin'.

1. Finally, I love Clark. It's hard to think our baby is getting so big. I miss baby things, I really do. But, I'm pretty sure he's our last, so we need to savor every second of our Baby Clarky.

Here are some other milestones, just for posterity and not to make you laugh: He's getting more and more confident when it comes to standing. He has stood for about two minutes on his own before finally falling on his bum.

He knows when Lish is going to work. He recognizes the white shirt, black pants, etc. and starts whining immediately. He is eating more and more on his own and less milk. He empties whatever he can find. Recent discoveries include the DVD drawer, the waste baskets, the pan cupboard, etc.

He also gives kisses. These are Hollywood, open-mouthed, full-on, lickery (as the kid on "Goonies" says) tongue kisses. Pretty gross, but sweet at the same time, too. He does this when we make kissing sounds.

He can "walk" when someone holds his hands.

I think that's about it. We love our little baby so much. Here's to more milestones just around the corner.