I'm torn...

As you know, loyal reader, I have neglected the blog as of late in exchange for a job at the OG. I took the job as a way to 1) make some extra money this summer, 2) take the burden of a summer job off Ryan and 3) help pay for those "extra" things that come up that we never seem to have enough for. Here it is the middle of November, the holidays are around the corner and my summer job is still in full swing. It has served its purpose well. So well in fact that the "debt free" light is brighter than it has ever been.

PRO: It makes me excited about being able to finally buy a home of our own!
CON: I am missing out on being home with my kids at night.

PRO: I have co-workers that don't talk about kids, little pets, or what they are coloring in school.
CON: I have missed out on a few dance performances, ward parties, etc. that are normally "family outings."

I could go on and on about the things I have missed in exchange for having things we have missed out on. Mostly I am doing it to help pay bills. I keep telling myself that, but now we are used to the income so when the day comes that I really don't need the job, will I have the strength to quit? I think I feel bad because I don't feel like I am using the skills I have. I feel like I could be making a lot more money if I were to go after a job I trained for, but I don't want to work that much.

Here is the newest though... the kids and I now have health insurance through my job since Ryan's is super expensive and more than we can afford. So does that mean I just signed on for another full year? I am trying to process all of this without feeling bad about being away from home.

Why do we as mothers feel guilty for leaving our children with our husbands? He does a great job of raising our kids, probably better than me at times. It's not like I am paying a babysitter to raise my kids. I keep all the money I make without paying a daycare. The kids have quality time with just Dad, which is super important to their development and sence of self worth. I almost missed Clarks first steps though. He is talking so much lately that I am worried about missing important first words too. So should I feel worse than I do? Or is it ok for me to get rid of the guilty feelings I have?

Do you work outside the home? How does it work for you? How have your children adjusted to mom being gone? How do you make time to feel like a mom and not just someone who pops in and out of their life occasionally?

Hey I am back

Hi. It's Lisha. Ryan went to his first "official" day of school today so I am back to being mom. Technically I guess I never stopped being the mom, but I guess now I will be in the house in that capacity during the day rather than Ryan so the role switch has gone back to "normal". I have a flood of mixed feelings about school starting/summer coming to an end. I thought I would share a few of my thoughts with you in no particular order. Pardon the randomness.

Being a mom and working full time is hard. I admire those of you who do it. I don't think I could do it all the time. I am tired just thinking about it. My schedule was a bit random that is for sure, but I was working 35-40 hours a week and only had one or two days off at a time so I think I kind of got the gist of what it would be like. I felt so disconnected from my family. One big realization came last night when I sat down to feed Clark dinner and realized I didn't know what he could and could not eat at this point in his life. I know he can digest most anything now that he is almost a year old, but he only has a couple teeth and I didn't know how easy it was for him to chew or even if he could yet. That was eye opening to me. I have not been around to watch the past few months of him growing up. Now he is turning 1 in less than a week and I missed a lot.

On that same note, my other kids have "grown up" in my absence as well. Did you know that Ry may or may not have left Ally to babysit once or twice while he ran an errand or two? Me either. The thought makes me a little scared, but she is getting older and becoming a lot more responsible. I am sure I did the same thing when I was her age, but we lived in the country.

Emma's cast is starting to smell. Thank goodness she onlly has to wear it 2 more days. We have been prepping her by letting her know that her arm is going to look like a snake when it comes off so don't freak out. Which of course she is.

Luke grew like 3 inches. All his pants are floods. His hair is some crazy walmart version of a hair cut so he looks like an orphan these days. We hit the Old Navy $10 sale but I think he still needs a few more pair. Oh and he is not allowed to wear them before school starts so he still looks neglected for another week. We did get some hand me downs from Langton which is always nice, but no pants.

The kids all have specific jobs now and are earning money for keeping up with their work $5 a week. We went to Claire's yesterday so Ally could buy new school earrings. She spent $23 and still has money in her wallet. Emma bought some sticker earrings. Luke is saving his money for Lego Indiana Jones 2 for the Wii when it comes out.

I have never looked forward to staying home with my kids more than I have this week. It feels like there is always something to go do though, so being home for a day has yet to happen. And if you know me at all you know that is something I usually would not say.

I got my hair cut yesterday. It is shorter than I have ever had it. Well since I have been an adult anyway. I like it. I think. I will let you know when I wash it and have to actually do it. I am lazy about doing my hair. But after a summer of pony tails I am tired of always wearing it up. I know you never thought you would hear that from me!

I am not ready for everything to come. Luke started soccer last night which officially makes me a soccer mom. Not sure how I feel about that one. Tonight is dance registration for IDS. We are doing a show again this year and I am always the "in charge" person for those. Not to mention that Emma will be competing this year as well. I will still be working at the OG a few nights a week. Super Saturday is fast approaching and I am in charge. The fair is in less than 2 weeks and I get to make the schedule this year. I think my unusually small mouth is a little full right now. Try not to make fun of it. My sisters do.

How do moms do it?

Hey.

This is Ryan. Just in time for Father's Day.

It’s that time of year again when I realize how hard my wife’s life is and, in turn, all mothers’ lives. I’m officially Mr. Mom for the summer. With me teaching high school, we've always kind of agreed that I’d be the “house spouse” during the summer and Lisha would work. Lisha got a job at The Olive Garden as a waitress (ka-ching!) and started training this week. That means all four kids are my full-time responsibility. Add to the cooking, cleaning, feeding, washing, toddler butt-wiping responsibilities, Clark is still breastfeeding, so Lisha has to pump and I have to fight to give him a bottle. It did not go well at all today.

First, we both work at our gym here so that we don’t have to pay $90 a month for a family membership. We work in the day care which is great because our kids get to go with us and hang out at the gym. So, a lady called today to switch shifts at around 8:30 a.m. This was perfect because Luke’s game was in the middle of my shift on Wednesday and I needed to trade anyway. Her shift was at 10:30 a.m. I thought, “This is my chance to show Lisha that all her whining about getting out the door is a bunch of hooey. I can get out so fast and then gloat about it later.” Funny famous last words. How do women do it?

I got the kids fed, did the girls’ hair and changed and dressed Clark – all simple tasks in my inexperienced mind. Here’s how it really went down: At breakfast, as told by Emma in pouts and pointing, I made the cereal wrong. Apparently her cereal needs to be drowning in milk. When it was time to do hair, I might as well have been skinning cats. The sounds that came out of the girls’ mouths alerted me that I was pulling way too tight. I knew Clark would be easy. I change diapers all of the time. What I didn’t know was that the little wet spots on his back weren’t from the spilled milk on the kitchen floor. He had pooped so much that it had come out of his diaper all the way to the middle of his back as well as past his belly button. I didn’t even try to wipe it all off. I put him in the tub and washed everything off with the faucet.

The other mistake I made was allowing him to crawl around naked because I had about five minutes to jump in the shower and get out the door to make it to the gym in time. Seriously! And I packed my backpack, which I now call my DadPack, to make sure I had all the essentials: two pairs of underwear and pants per kid, the digital camera, the zoo passes, three diapers and a newly stocked (and girly) wipe box, two Onesies, socks, and a missionary planner that I am now using to schedule our days. I was NOT going to carry around a diaper bag.

I am happy to report, however, that I made it on time to the gym. The moms laughed as I told them they were all saints. The kids played well until Emma thought she’d carry Clark to me. She dropped him on the floor right on his face. He started screaming that silent, shaking sob and I did my best to comfort him as a bump on his forehead slowly made its way to an Everest-size peak. I nervously glanced around at the other moms, who gave me a pitying “Ohhhh-is-the-little-man-trying-to play-mommy?” look. I ducked behind a wall and sat on a rocker and tried to comfort Clark. Suddenly, another mom swooped in and snatched Clark away as I sat dejected in the corner. And, to add insult to injury, Clark laid his head on her shoulder and looked at me. I swear there was a little smirk on his face as if to say, “You don’t have breasts so you’re not worthy.”

My shift went to 1:30 p.m. and despite my best efforts to include everything I thought necessary in the DadPack, I did not calculate that the shift would go through lunch. Guess what I didn’t pack? Yup, the kids’ lunch. At about 12:45 p.m., Luke started rolling around on the floor of the day care, clutching his stomach and moaning, “I’m huuuuunnngggrryyy! I’m soooooooo hungry!” I had only brought some Kix and a bottle of breast milk for Clark. So, once again, the moms’ judgmental eyes were upon me.

One particularly sympathetic mom walked by Luke, looked at him rolling on the floor and muttered in my direction, “Jeez, what’s the matter with him?”

“Hungry, I guess,” I said as I laughed a little nervously. “We’ll eat when I get off, heh, heh.”

Then, I glared down at Luke and growled, “Luke, stand up! We’ll eat when we’re done!”

"Awwwwww!" he cried. That didn’t satisfy him, especially when Overhelpful Baby Stealer Mom’s son came in with a Wendy’s bag. Luke saw that and changed his whine from I’m hungry to “I want Weeeeennnndddyy’s!”

Just then, Clark started whining a little and I knew it was time to feed him as well. I grabbed the breast-milk bottle and shoved it in his mouth. He spit it out. I shoved it in again. He spit it out again. I didn’t even need to look up to know the pity looks were back. I finally gave up and replaced the bottle with his pacifier. He took that and stopped whining – much to my relief!

My shift finally got over and I met Lish at home as her shift ended about the same time mine did. Clark practically unbuckled himself and sprinted across the room to get to her. Another pity look came my way. But, there are about three months left to this summer. I have time to win him over.